When my husband Jeremy and I talk about his PTSD he tries to share with me the reality of living with his PTSD every day.  One of his biggest concern is controlling the anger and rage that is a direct result of the PTSD.

Jeremy has repeatedly told me it is very tiresome and difficult trying to not let the anger or rage get out of control. 

What out of control can entail; physical signs of anger outbursts, angry look on his face, to him beating on his projects in the garage a little louder and with more force than needed.  At the same time the internal side of the PTSD anger invokes a rage in him that is more intense that the situation would usually cause. When the two collide it must be an almost unbearable emotionally charged moment.  He has told me that it would be easy to break things and go out of control.  It is amazing to me that anyone can live with this inter turmoil and not have a police record.  Jeremy's episodes of anger and rage can happen as a result of something that aggravates him or it can happen without provocation.

The anger and pain is visible on his face, in his posture, and in the way his speaks.  When he uses short answers and dose not wanting to communicate with me it makes it difficult for me to do know what to do to help him get through the episode.  He has made it abundantly clear that during these episodes I can not help him.  That it only increases his anger if I try to be funny or use conversations as a distraction.  Yet I want to do is help him.  It goes without saying that if  I could I would take away his PTSD and all the anger and pain associated with that diagnosis. 

Since it is not possible to take away that diagnosis and all that goes with it we have come to accepted it.  The PTSD is a real part of our daily lives and our marriage.  I believe it has been hard for him to accept that he was awarded a 100% VA disability rating.  I was relieved we had several diagnoses that shed light on some of his behaviors and pain.  To me it was a new beginning but for him it was emotionally difficult to admit his disabilities to himself and his family.  

Together we travel a path of uncertainties just as every marriage does......we may have a few more stones to lift out of our path's way. But that is okay as long as my husband continues to share his PTDS we can carry it together down our path.  Everyday may not be filled with excited happiness but every day I know he loves me......when moments of excited happiness occur it is cause for celebration!    

Thank you for joining us on our PTSD journey,

Trina and Jeremy

Please add your thoughts, questions and/or comments below.

      

We are learning that PTSD has such a strong grip on the subconscious mind that it makes it difficult to know how Jeremy will respond in different situations.  For Jeremy a PTSD reaction can be as simple as a fleeting thought or as severe as the urge to be destructive but he feels a level of anger that is constantly brewing in the back of his mind.  Nightmares are a routine event along with talking in his sleep and frequently Jeremy will get up and dig for "gear" in his sleep.  Repetitive ideas and scenarios can be running through his mind for days from a simple event that I would not give a second thought to yet he cannot be able to get it out of his mind.  

Our strong open communication has made it easier for us dealing with the PTSD.  Jeremy is very good about explaining what triggers a PTSD reaction and what type of reaction results from that trigger.  We work together to recognize these triggers and eliminate or minimize them as much as possible. I am learning that these triggers can be a simple sounds, smells, a physical item, or spoken phrase can trigger an unexpected PTSD reaction.  Being in crowds, in chaotic situations, or being confronted by someone with or without authority in a confrontational manor can trigger a PTSD reaction.  

It appears to me that the severity of the PTSD reaction often depends on Jeremy's current physical pain level, frame of mind at the time, level of surprise or being caught unaware, and his familiarity to his surroundings.  I am sure there are other factors I do not know that have a negative impact on his reaction to a trigger.  

Jeremy has been very gracious about sharing a little bit his experiences during the times he lived in war zones.  I know he will never share with me his most intimate thoughts and experiences during those dark days of war.  He constantly says he was the soldier not me, that it is his burden to carry not mine.  I would do anything to carry his burden for him or strike it from his memory.  

Together we strive for happiness in each other's company with our pets and hobbies.  We take each day as it comes just like our wedding vows, ....in sickness and in health.....for better or worse.......Jeremy works hard to manage his PTSD and I fight to keep us on track.......Hence His Has PTSD and I Have a Headache.  

Please offer your comments below.

During our journey we are learning about some of the triggers that set his PTSD on edge.  

Here goes my first attempt at blogging about our life living with my husband's PTSD.  A little background may help.....I am fifteen and a half years older than my husband.  We meet through mutual friends that seemed to think we might hit it off.  Seventeen years later we are still together.  We have been together through one of his two deployments to war zones.  We meet a few months after the first deployment and I want to say it was love at first sight but it was much more than that.  I could see in his blue eyes everything I needed and more.  It was the first time in my life I felt I was with the right person that this man was what I wanted and needed and that I would be able to meet his needs too.  Within a year of us meeting he separated from the service with an honorable discharge. From there we moved across the country and the following year we got married.  

He has PTSD and I have a headache describes our everyday life.  He works hard to manage his PTSD and I fight a constant headache trying to keep us on track.  Only time will tell if we can keep it all together.  Some days are relaxed and we have fun together other days we just try to get through the day.  No matter the day I'm very happy to be at his side.   

Together we are on this journey to learn more about PTSD and all that goes with it.  We will share our experiences and what it has taught us along the way.  We hope you will join us.